It’s another Monday morning and you’re trying to get ready for the day. As you work on getting ready yourself, you try to help your child, but again, they are refusing to get out of bed. They might be crying, complaining of a stomach-ache, or outright yelling they are not going. If this sounds familiar, know you’re not alone. School refusal is extremely common at all ages. It can be frustrating and concerning for parents, but taking time to understand why this happens can be extremely beneficial. Learning strategies and specific approaches to take with your children on these “typical Monday mornings” can be a game changer.
First it’s important to understand your child isn’t refusing school attendance for simple disobedience. It’s very often rooted from anxiety, fear or stress. Children may avoid attending school because they’re overwhelmed by academic pressure, struggling socially, or dealing with separation anxiety. In some cases, symptoms like nausea and headaches are real, they are just triggered by emotional distress rather than physical illness. Understanding that this behaviour stems from deeper, emotional difficulty rather than defiance is the first step towards this issue. When a child refuses school, they are often trying to communicate that something in their environment feels too overwhelming to face.
There are different ways of approaching a conversation about school refusal, but remaining calm and understanding is essential. Use open ended questions like “can you tell me what’s been bothering you about school?” or “is there something that happened at school that’s making it hard for you to go?” can help your child open up. Listening without judgment and validating any feelings they share will help your child to feel comfortable opening up more. Even if their concerns seem minor to you, it’s important to show sympathy. School refusal can stem from many issues including social challenges, academic struggles, separation anxiety and mental health concerns. While having a discussion with your child, it's beneficial to pinpoint which category your child is struggling with. This can then help you make a plan with your child to conquer their struggles. Collaborating with them on a plan of action can help them feel a sense of safety. For example, if their worries are about academics, talk to their teacher about extra support or tutoring. If they are struggling socially, role play conversations or brainstorm ways to connect with classmates.
Another factor that helps children is consistency. Making sure your child has a solid morning routine can go a long way. Routines provide a sense of security. Set up a consistent wake-up, meal and bedtime schedule, to create stability. You can incorporate little things like listening to music in the morning or eating as a family if those are small aspects that your child enjoys.
In many situations, routine on its own isn’t enough and when this occurs exposure techniques become the next step. Gradual exposure is commonly used to tackle anxiety. The idea is to reintroduce your child to school in small, gradual steps. Whether this is driving by the school, sitting in the parking lot or even spending half days at school, celebrate small victories your child makes on the way. It’s favourable to emphasize positives your child faced throughout their school day as they pushed themselves out of their comfort zone. This might be reminding them of the positive interactions they had throughout the day or even reminding them of the lack of negative experiences they faced.
In some cases, it can be beneficial to reach out to teachers, school counsellors or administrators for support. Schools often have resources to help children who are struggling with attendance. Making it known that your child is struggling is nothing to be ashamed of, it can give your child a feeling of security, knowing that someone at school knows their struggles and is there for them if anything goes wrong. This goes hand in hand with coping skills. In some cases, children can benefit from an Individual Education Plan (IEP), where they are able to have special accommodation. That might look like taking breaks or having a quiet space during the day. Whether they have an IEP or not, teaching your child individual strategies they can do can be extremely beneficial. You can teach them techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness or journaling to give them a sense of control through their heightened emotions.
Although watching your child struggle can be very difficult, it’s vital that you work with your child to face their fears. It’s going to be very difficult to see your child upset, but it’s important to fight the temptation of letting them stay home. Prolonged absences can reinforce avoidance and make returning to school even harder. Instead, empathize with their feelings, but remain firm about the expectation of attending school. For instance, say, “I know this is tough, but we're going to work through this together”. Remind them of their strategies and support they have in place if anything goes wrong, assuring them that they will be okay.
In some cases, school refusal is a sign of deeper mental health issues that require professional support. If your child’s anxiety, depression or distress seems severe or it persists despite your efforts, consider consulting a therapist or counsellor. Addressing school refusal takes patience and persistence, that’s why support can be very beneficial - we are always here to help support yourself and your child!
When dealing with your child’s struggles, it’s important to approach the situation with compassion and support, remember that your child isn’t trying to be difficult, they are struggling themselves. By working together to identify and address the root cause, you can help your child feel supported. Every small step forward is progress, presenting enthusiasm and excitement can go a long way. Showing your pride for their small milestones grows their confidence and encourages them to continue pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. Remember you’re not just teaching your child to attend school, you’re teaching them resilience, problem solving and the ability to face challenges.
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