We have now established that life is unpredictable. We can never be certain about our future; therefore, we have to learn to feel comfortable with uncertainty. This means practicing and learning flexibility, and as parents, it’s our job to teach our kids these skills. A large proportion of society has created this false narrative that we live in an unsafe world, but it’s our job as parents to show our kids that unpredictability does not mean a lack of safety.
Helping kids develop flexibility isn’t about teaching them; it’s about letting them learn. A large step that goes into this is the encouragement of problem solving. It’s only natural to want to fix things and help them when they’re struggling, but constantly stepping in doesn’t help your child in the long run. When children solve problems on their own, they learn about adaptability and develop confidence. Instead of stepping in and doing things for them, you can ask questions like, “What do you think you could try next?” or “Why don’t you think it’s working?”. That way, you’re helping them get to the solution rather than giving it to them. This allows children to develop critical thinking skills that they can apply next time they run into an issue. This also shows them that things go wrong or different to plan, which is okay.
Normalizing mistakes goes extremely far in children’s development. Many kids fear failure, which can make them resistant to change. They might avoid challenges as they see it as a risk for a mistake rather than an opportunity to succeed. One of the best ways to encourage flexibility is to help children see mistakes as a learning experience rather than something to fear. As a parent, model this mindset by openly discussing your own mistakes. You can say things like, “I messed up, but now I know what to do differently next time”. You can express that things didn’t go as planned but demonstrate problem solving skills by trying different approaches. This shows children that failure isn’t the end, it’s something that’s part of the process. The more they see mistakes as opportunities to grow, the more adaptable they’ll become.
With this comes praise. Many parents mistakenly praise their children’s success rather than their efforts. It means to encourage problem solving and effort, it’s important to point out your child’s actions. This could mean complimenting their efficient studying and the determinism they’re putting into their work. Doing this instead of complimenting their A+ grade, as it teaches them that their effort means more than the reward. This encourages them to try and put effort into everyday tasks. This all stems back to flexibility because you’re teaching your child that putting an effort in is what matters. It discourages them to give up, instead to always give it a shot, even if plan A doesn’t go as anticipated.
Because plans don’t always go as expected, it’s important to teach kids how to pivot from their issues. The ability to recover and problem solve after something goes wrong is a key aspect of resilience. For example, if they’re excited to go to the park, but it starts raining, instead of letting disappointment take over, ask “What’s another fun thing we could do instead?”, or “How can we make the best of this change?”. Similarly, if they don’t make it into a sports team, or get a part in a play, praise their efforts, and encourage them to look for other opportunities. This shows them to not dwell on the setback, rather seeing it as a learning opportunity. Instead of focusing on the fact they didn’t get a spot on the team, help them find out what qualifications they were missing, turning the setback into a learning opportunity they can keep in mind for next time.
A part of creating a flexible child is exposing them to new experiences. Children who only experience routine and predictability are going to struggle more with change. The more your child experiences change, the more they’ll come accustomed to it. Just like any activity or sport, practice makes perfect. These exposures can be as simple as trying new foods at dinner to switching up their bedtime routine. Although it may seem minimal, every time a child experiences something new, they build their capacity to adapt. Over time, they learn that change isn’t something to fear, and it can be exciting and full of opportunity.
Flexibility isn’t only about adjusting to change, it’s also about handling the emotions that come with it. Kids who struggle with frustration, anxiety, or disappointment may find it hard to adapt when things don’t go their way. This doesn’t mean that your child is unable to be flexible, it just means you must take smaller steps to help them adjust. This might also include helping them regulate their emotions. This might look like telling them to take deep breaths, encouraging them to talk about their emotions, or using positive self-talk like, “I can do this,” or “It’s okay if things don’t go as planned”. This helps them manage their emotions and navigate change without feeling such a large loss of control. Remember that every child is different, not just because of your parenting, but biologically. Some kids will simply have harder times than others and that is okay.
Lastly, as a parent, your children look up to you and model much of your behaviour. Kids learn by watching us, so it’s important to model what you want them to do. If they see us handling unexpected situations with patience and a problem-solving attitude, they’ll be more likely to do the same. You can demonstrate this behaviour daily by staying calm, talking through how you adjust to challenges, and finding a silver lining in difficult situations. For example, you might be running late due to unexpected traffic. Instead of showing frustration, find the silver lining by maybe playing a fun song to enjoy the drive. This not only shows your child flexibility, but also a positive mindset.
Teaching kids flexibility is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. Even though it’s easy to step in and want to help them, there are so many benefits to allowing them to problem solve. It’s hard to see your child struggle, but it’s important to realize the difference between your child’s inability to do something and them being slower to solve the issue. Allowing them to do this prepares them to navigate challenges with confidence, resilience and an open mind. By encouraging problem solving, normalizing failure, exposing them to new experiences, and modeling adaptability, we help our kids build the skills they need to thrive in our constantly changing world. Life doesn’t always go as planned, but with the right mindset, kids can learn to embrace change, find new opportunities, and grow stronger with each challenge they face. It might be hard in the moment, but the seconds of struggle you’re allowing them to face as kids will save them from years of it.
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